The last time i wrote an entry here, was more than a year ago.
I deleted all the entries written during 'that period of time' from this blog and other blogs. I don't like to keep unhappy memories, although deleting the entries doesn't mean it's deleted from my brain. I wish i could, yet, without it, i would not have been the 'me' now. Our relationship would not have improved, and we would probably still be taking roller-coaster rides.
I've learnt to live with imperfections, rather than chasing after a perfect relationship. Because by accepting what may be imperfect, i actually do see a perfect picture of us. What can be more comforting than to know your partner accepts your flaws, and is willing to work with you through it?
I am working towards being a better girlfriend, being more understanding and appreciative. I can't say for sure i'm a worthy girlfriend, but i am trying my best.
Anyway, it's been a really long time since i said anything mushy. I don't know when he'll read this post either because we both created new blogs.
But still, i wanna tell him, that i really love him. And it's absolutely wonderful spending time with him. With him by my side, it seems like i have nothing to be afraid of. Because he is in my life, my world has twice as many smiles.
You are still, my angel.
with love,
wei |
From this moment onwards, I want to have only my focus on getting done with this semester's modules in my head. God, grant me the strength to do so.
I realized that emotions in a person seem to work like a little like a bouncing ball. The moment you fall and hit the ground, you get the chance to bounce right back which does fill you with an amount of hope and optimism but it also contributes to some unrealistic and probably too idealistic expectations of what comes next.
The higher you raise those hopes, voluntarily or not, you put yourself at risk of falling even harder the next, till the air in you is deflated and you no longer find the kind of ability to bounce back.
Perhaps I have found myself getting a little used to certain kinds of stimuli in my new environment, new kind of daily experiences that I allow myself to have my head clouded in judgment on what reality is. No more distorted projections of what could be or not, possibilities must be closed at this moment.
The reason why I felt a shift in focus to probably take another step the direction of my chosen faith, was probably the same reason why I now am taking a step back.
I hope I will be granted wisdom, the mental strength and willingness to see myself through this phase. I feel a tendency to block out every kind of interaction just so that my thoughts will no longer feel a desire to wander into the unknown which is really just messing me up.
I feel alone in my thoughts, yet I recognize my choice to be alone yet crave the kind of company some people have. I would really like to drift away, from this world, the people, old and new.
I have no wish to have my heart opened, because the moment I try to allow any thing in feels like a distorted kind of reality, which I simply cannot trust anymore.
Who wants to be me after reading this post? hahaha ...
justin |
I don't know if it is God's work, perhaps it is. These days I find my heart letting him in gradually and accepting him for him and what he has for me. Things seem to be looking up with each passing day and not all will attribute that to him but perhaps I should look at it from other perspectives as well.
Along with things looking up, I am trying hard not to let myself be swayed by that void left in my heart because things just feel better because of certain people and I don't want to be doing things with a clouded judgment of what it might truly represent.
Before bedtime, just hope that friends and family alike, be blessed with good health and happiness.
God Bless.
justin |
Maybe it is because of this void in my heart that i've been wanting fill, yet with due awareness i suppress any kind of thought of any substitution or stop gap measure.
Been reading through a friend's blog, simple posts and how God has helped. At this moment now, I really feel like I could let him take this void in my heart and fill it with his love.
I will not spend time thinking about future possibilities. I just want to be focused for my studies and cherish the new friends I have found, they have been absolutely wonderful so far. Is this God's work? I will try to open my heart bit by bit to him.
We don't see a doctor when we aren't sick, we only see them when we are sick to allow ourselves to heal or prevent sickness. Thus, he will come when i am in need, there is no need to look for him for he will find me.
just want to tell xiaowei that I hope she regains her healthy appetite soon . I definitely do not want to see her health and studies be affected, may God bless her.
Lastly, a friend in class ning came down with fever today. May she be blessed too by God, to allow her body to recover soon.
Quiz tomorrow morning, been psychoing myself that i'm a sponge. haha. absorb everything! well, i will work towards my goals in psychology, God, you have my word. I will entrust my faith in you, again.
jUSTIN |
the phrase " with one door the closes, one or more windows opens ... " , rings a familiar note for me now. Perhaps I just never noticed the plenty of other things I could get myself down to doing. Neither do the people around me now realise how big a part they play in my well-being at the moment.
Always been one to ask myself questions, but the lack of answers do get very frustrating some times. So, why does "why" exist? The supply of questions simply outweigh those of answers and we end up with more unanswered doubts. Damn, life is like one big question mark.
An extremely random thought on the way home today was when I wondered what if everyone had balloon heads ... which could pop whenever wherever, hahaha!
Somehow I have lost some innocence, but I have also found some comfort. But I will remind myself that things are not there just to fill the void and emptiness I feel inside now.
ah the ramblings that only I will ever understand ... hahaha ...
'j |
to briefly intro the peeps i met at my og (from back to front);Myself, Crystal, Pamela, Zi Wei, Delip
Matilda, Fiona, Sheron and Shu Ning
Yvonne, Jeannie and Caroline
Rain Drops
As you hear them fall,
Moister in the air, a sprinkle and all
Their sound a symphony,
For you, for me
Pearls of light glistering on the pavement,
Their invisible fingers drumming on my window vehement
Tear drops an emotional call
They signify love, sadness, happiness and all
Emotions are something that we all have
With our soul the Lord to us gave,
A piece of mind to help us shine and glow
Healing our soul if enough of it we show
Through the good times, bad times
In between times
-By Roger and Birgit Pratcher
So, I stood in the rain for a brief moment while on the way back.
The clouds were grey, my world has been very grey for awhile now.
But there have been people around me who tried to help, although sometimes the more they try to help the more it affects me.
It is not something I feel the whole world needs to know, but when 1 door closes, another opens.
As much as I find it tough to open up my heart again, I know I have not been alone in this and I appreciate anyone who has tried to pour some joy and smiles, colour into my world.
Raindrops, kept falling on my head. With every drop, I felt a little bit more comfort.
justin a.k.a emo'kia
random thought;
while watching first class on channel 5, the pickup line "You must be tired from all that running through my mind" just got a chuckle out of me. |
Taking a step / A little time / It's alright.
Even thru' this rain, I want to smile again.
`j
|Realize - Colbie Caillat
Take time to realize,
That your worth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your si-i-i-de
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
But I can't spell it out for you,
No, it's never gonna be that simple
But I can't spell it out for you
If you just realize what I've just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.
[Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your si-i-i-de
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
That this all can pass by
Didn't I didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
But I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'd never find another
Just realized what I've just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other but.
[It's not that the same
No it's never the sa-a-ame
If you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you 'd meet me half way.
It could be the same for you
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Realize, realize, Realize, realize
Dedicated to all lovers out there - Never wait till things are too late.
我真希望这只是一场梦。
`xiaowei |